Day 1,010

Everything hinges on this surgery.

I'm not ready. With my husband having work trips scattered over the last six weeks, we didn't get everything done. The groceries are still not bought, the house not clean, the kids aren't ready. The equipment we should have bought haven't been made. I don't know what to do.

People say they feel everything is going to be just fine, but they aren't on this side of the situation. They don't hear the frustration of my younger children who always have to try so hard and do so much, vent about the oldest taking advantage of them. The people who think everything is going to be ok, don't worry that I won't get to come home if my house isn't ready. We're back to platitudes that offer nothing but thoughts and prayers.

So I sit here knowing that my family is just not ready for this.

This morning's first text was asking for accountability on why the newspaper was wrong. It was an oversight of many people, but I should have caught the problem. If I had been the first, second, third or fourth person to see the problem, I would have caught it. But I trusted someone who said she had it under control. People don't see the multitude of little things that just get done, because I do them.

So I sit here knowing that my work is just not ready for this.

Everything hinges on this surgery.

I'm not ready. I can't imagine a future where I continue to exist only in a very small circle, disabled and miserable. I don't want to consider not being able to enjoy my life. I imagine that I'll be back to walking my dogs, fishing with my kids and riding my bike. I imagine a life where I'll once again enjoy cooking in my kitchen. I imagine a life of standing in the back yard watching the stars in the middle of the night with my husband.

There is so much at stake.

Its easy for those who say "just ask if you need help," because they don't have to commit to helping. Because overwhelmed people never know how to ask for help. Because people who are scared and anxious can't even find the words to say everything is falling apart and we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet.