Road full of promise

I face a lot of doubts going into this surgery that is coming up. But the funny thing is that where the past few years there was doubts and darkness that surrounded every decision we made, I feel like there is a ton of promise in this next step. I’m looking forward to it.

At the beginning of my work week I always entertain the thought that perhaps I really am ok. Now that the surgery has been scheduled sometimes I wonder if perhaps I’m being hasty or maybe I’m a bit dramatic. Maybe I’m a huge wimp with no tolerance for pain. But by the time the week closes and I hobble up the steps to the front door, I am reminded that I need a change. I need to have control over a body that shouldn't be tied up in so much pain.

In the meantime, I’m trying to get my life ready. I have, for the most part, embarked on a change of diet so I can be in the best possible health as I prepare for surgery. That’s hard. I like junk food. I like comfort food with noodles and breads and potatoes. I like easy food that I can put together quickly. This isn’t any of that. But it is helping. I feel a little better, and sleep a little better. And it doesn’t hurt to see the number on the scale dropping.

I’m also seeing a physical therapist who is trying to straighten me out after years of my knee warping my skeleton. X-rays show that my lower back curves to the left and my upper back is curving forward. The muscles in my lower back are so tightly wound that any pressure causes spasms. Of course the PT wants to use an array of devices to torture me. But if I want to regain the ability to walk without pain and a walking stick, I need to do it.  So I twist and flail and whine as I do the required exercises. I need to succeed here.