This is the wrong fountain

Remember that legend about the conquistadors in their search for eternal life, where if they drank from the wrong fountain, life would be drained away instead of immortality received? Right now I'm in the wrong fountain.

This week, this month, this day is hard. I know a lot of people struggle more in life with no hope. I have the hope that next year at this time things will be different. One more year of pain and recovery to find what's been lost. But right now, at this moment, its hard to keep going. I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed and I'm alone.

It's the few hours of interrupted sleep every night It's the late work nights and the early mornings to get one kid to the bus and the others through their schoolwork. It's the chores. The anxiety that builds when things aren't done everyday becomes overbearing. It's the cooking I don't do because I'm exhausted and know that the effort to cook will drain away more energy than I can spare. It's my relentless nagging and begging my two able-bodied children to help me more then before and so much more than other kids their age. Its trying to be a good parent, a good wife, a good employee and not fall apart. All of it is hard. And I'm trying to figure out how to survive.

I'm jealous of those who are part of  a support system of people who look out for one another. We had a support system like that years ago before we moved to Idaho. The kind of people who would offer to help when they saw a need. It was nice to be part of a community that looked out for each other. We've never had the same thing here.

Over the past couple of years I've learned that our superficial friendships here fell apart pretty fast when we became the friends in need. When we became broken and hurt and when we struggled, others didn't want to get involved. Unfortunately, messy broken people aren't fun to be around. People who need help don't have much to offer back. People in distress are self-centered and consumed by their own survival. Its not until they are safe and comforted that they can give back to those around them. And right now, I have nothing to offer anyone because I am consumed with just trying to survive.

It's the bitterness of trying to figure things out and the weariness of the daily struggle that wears me down. I know that its only a matter of weeks before I have to face the same basic problems but while recovering from major joint replacement.

I'm not sure I'm strong enough.