We aren't ready for this. And still to this day, with less than two weeks to go, I am waffling. But for every day where I have medium pain there are days where I have serious pain. The medium pain I can live with until it becomes serious again. Its then that I know I'm making the right decision.
That's the crazy part of chronic pain, it's always there, but it's not always the same. This is also one of the hardest parts of explaining that today is OK, but yesterday I had to stop myself from screaming in agony with every step I took.
So we get ready. We've bought things we think we need, and we've bought things we know we need. In the end they may or may not work out.
I barely waver on the spiritual peace in the decision to have this major joint replaced while I'm young and the kids are young. When doubts arise on the big questions with this, I'm at peace.
It's the everyday stuff that I'm seeking peace with. There is a definite goal in my head to create a peaceful, quiet background to come home from the hospital to. Clutter and chaos have always bothered me, but now I feel the anxiety of it even more as I get closer to a time when my house will need to be sterile but comfortable. My level of comfort with clutter is significantly less than the rest of the family. This is where I can't find the peace I'm desperately seeking.
How do you explain to children that don't see the mess that the mess is too much? I'm exhausted from morning to midnight with living, and I can't find it in me to clean up once again. I don't know how to get them to see that they need to care that the house isn't good enough. It's stressful and it worries me.
So with a little more than a week before I change my life in one way or another, I am still struggling to figure everything out.
Every moment will take care of itself as you live it. The anticipation of looming discomfort is worse than the actuality. Yes, there will be pain. Yes, there will be unhappiness with the structuring of your life as you go through the process. It will be little worse than the pain and frustration you've already endured and it is a suffering that is accompanied with hope. You will make it through and, finally, there will be a mitigation of pain and a return to a new definition of normal. You can handle this. You will make it through to the other side. This whole terrible time will be relegated to the past but you will be left with the strength it has given you. We don't have the strength to handle a difficult ordeal before we are in it. We are given strength only as we endure. You will endure.
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